April's journal 10/7-10/15

1982-10-07

Marshall came today to visit Gerald. It was hard because he has been gone so much away from is own family on business, but came to help Herald and cheer him up. He is a dear, kind brother.

There is such an out-pouring of love for our family; it is very hard to believe people could be so loving and caring. How we will ever return it all I don’t’ know, but I will have a happy life trying!

1982-10-08

Gerald was released from the hospital today. His blood counts were higher and the blockage passed so he was released. It is so good to have him home again. The children miss him so and he misses them. They all seem to adjust, though, under all the stress. 2 weeks ago (September 26) in the doctor’s office (Dr. Skelly) when Gerald and I went in for supposedly the #3 of ABVD, Gerald broke down for a moment and wept because of the extreme difficulty he has in facing the chemotherapy. It is so grueling and painful. He then said, “Why do I have to go through with this, I know this drug isn’t working.” Dr. Skelly then responded, that he agreed and that he felt Gerald would die from the illness. He told us not as a doctor, he said, but as a friend. He and Gerald are close—same age, coloring, he has 2 children, with beautiful wives! A very compassionate man. We love and appreciate Dr. Skelly. Anyway, just hearing all of this has been very difficult. I kept hearing him say those words over and over again each time I would close my eyes. Even though Gerald and I felt we knew inside, actually hearing them was very hard to deal with. But that has not discouraged us. (Written on the side. The next day, Dr. Skelly told me Gerald would only probably live 1 to 2 years.) WE feel that it will be the Power of the Priesthood that will cure Gerald ultimately. Maybe it won’t cure him—maybe it is the Lord’s plan he not be on the earth much longer. But whatever, I KNOW the Lord is in charge and will lead us through all these problems. I wonder if I have the faith sufficient to heal Gerald. Until this time, I always felt that faith was a very easy principle for me to live. As I realize the life of the one person I love more than anyone is hanging in the balance, I worry for fear my faith is not sufficient. I know the Lord can heal Gerald if he wants to. But is it right for me to exercise my faith to the degree that the Lord is bound to heal Gerald and yet it is not his will or plan? Is it sufficient to say, “I know you can heal him if Thou wants” Or do I need to develop the faith that I know he will be healed.

I have plead with the Lord. I have told him that Gerald is his. I have told Him that I will place him in the Lord’s hands if he wants. I have given Him my beloved husband—maybe not willingly—but is that possible? But I have given him with a desire to do the Lord’s will. I know if I rebel or be resentful, the Lord’s plan will come anyway and then I will be denied the gift of the Comforter which will help me even more. I know that if the Lord takes Gerald the Lord must have the confidence in me that I will be successful in leading my life and causing raising the children alone. If the Lord has confidence in me, I am stronger. Then what am I afraid of? I guess the only ting is the unknown. That is always the worst. Even if the worst happens, it is not as bad as wondering and worrying that the worst thing will happen!

1982-10-09

It is 11:50. I still have to bathe and curl my hair. It seems that I just never get to bed before midnight on Saturday. I love to have the house all in order for the Sabbath, table set, clothes set out, pressed, all ready—I love it!

1982-10-10

Gerald went to church today, but had a very difficult time. His breathing seems to be getting harder and harder. I pray the Lord will intervene. Marshall left this evening. We had a lovely, lovely visit. It did wonders for Gerald.

I am so tired. It seems there are very few minutes to myself anymore. It will come later, I am sure. My beets, peas, and onions are coming up now!

1982-10-11

Reorder priorities:
Read scriptures
Prayer as a couple
FHE

Be consistent!!!

These are a few of the areas Gerald thinks we need to be consistent in. I am SO weary. I will explain tomorrow.

1982-10-12

Gerald and I read an article by Gene R. Cook in the Oct. 1982 New Era. It was entitled “Faith.” In it, he answered some of the questions I have been having regarding that principle. He said, Faith is power. Pure and simple.

Gene R. Cook, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ,” New Era, Oct 1982, Link:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=8702ad74be99b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

1982-10-13 (Wednesday)

It is now 4:20 AM. I have not been able to sleep because Gerald has been up nearly all night. For the past few days—actually since he got out of the hospital on Friday he has been very short of breath. We have been worried and it has been a very naggy, uneasy feeling. It meant 2 things 1. The HD is growing at an extremely rapid rate and crowding the lungs, or 2. It was some kind of bronchial problem or pneumonia. After last night, we think it is the latter. He has suddenly in the last 12 hours begun to wheeze and rattle in his chest. I don’t know what all this means. Today we were supposed to go to Tucson to get his 2nd treatment of Vindolasine. His temperature has been running 100.5 almost the entire time. We will now go in to see Dr. Skelly before we go to Tucson. If Gerald is hospitalized I would prefer it be up here so I can be near the children. If it were in Tucson I couldn’t come home and someone would have to come to watch them. Gerald has lost so much weight. He weighs only about 130. His blood counts were up yesterday though to 7.2 for his white count. Maybe I should have taken him in yesterday.

There is one topic I should like to discuss at this time, but it is something that has not turned out too favorably. I do so for a purpose, however. It is my policy that I do not write a lot of negative things in my journal, but this is a topic which has consistently caused much heartache and trouble of the past 2 years. Gerald’s Mom has had cancer for 5 years. It has been melanoma. A spot on her arm was found quickly growing and changing. She went to the doctor; he excised it, and found the results. She went to MD Anderson Clinic in Houston. They reaffirmed the diagnosis, but found it to be nowhere else in her body. Consequently no treatment was given. She left feeling frustrated and decided she had to do something—not just wait for something to happen (the cancer to crop up somewhere else, etc.) So she went to a clinic in Jamaica, learned the “Natural Program” and has been on that program ever since. It has been wonderful for her. Whether or not the program has cured her cancer or just by cutting the melanoma out did it, I don’t know, BUT—it have her something to do—not just sit around. She is in good health now.

When Gerald was first diagnosed with HD we knew we would have to battle Mother because she would oppose all that we did if we went the conventional means of Gerald’s treatment. Needless to say, we have had to deal with the constant pressure of that for 2 years. Time and time again, Gerald and I have reconsidered our decision. We have fasted and prayed. Many times and when it has come down to the final wire and we have had to make a decision, we have felt an empty, confused, and “knot in the stomach” sort of feeling about the “Natural Program.” In the last few weeks Gerald agreed to take some of the enzymes, VitA, Vit C in massive doses. But it is sort of “all or nothing” with Mother. There are many more details to this story that go unsaid. The main thing I want one to get out of this is that:
In any decision in life, one can only choose for himself. The responsibility to be worthy and in tune with the Holy Ghost is great, but ultimately no one can make that decision for him. He must work it out with the Lord.
One must respect one’s decisions. What is good for one is not necessarily good for another.
It has been my observation that Mormons, many times, fall prey to many “Natural” methods. I think this is sometimes confused with the Word of Wisdom and the self sufficient attitude we must all obtain. However, my deep feeling is that we live in a glorious time where the Lord has enlightened men’s minds to discover many things in the field of medicine. This is a time when much has been learned. Medicine doesn’t have all the answers, but I feel they are inspired men. Now I must also say that there is much good in herbs, natural healing etc. I feel that we can use more of these things to help us daily. But I feel it is the tendency of many to become fanatical about all of this. There is good in both methods.

In my opinion, whether Gerald lives or dies is not dependent on which program he chose. It is dependent on the Lord’s plan for him. If he is not appointed unto death, then by FAITH in the POWER of the PRIESTHOOD he will be healed. We can’t just sit around and do nothing, however, we must do something.

3:00PM
I am sitting in the doctor’s office now. Dr. Jones and Dr. Takasuke have gone over to the lab to check Gerald’s x-rays. I am so overcome with fear. I am fighting back the tears for Gerald, feeling so nauseous I could throw up any second. I am so hot I feel faint. I don’t like these few moments of waiting. I pray to my Heavenly Father every few minutes for strength. Gerald knows my feelings without even saying words. All he can manage to say is “Bunny, be of good cheer—that is part of being valiant!” That was the theme of a talk given by Neil Maxwell we read today.

The doctor just told us the worst. Gerald has not even months, probably weeks to live. THE LORD MUST INTERVENE SOON!!! The HD is growing at an amazing rate. Vindolasine is not working. We can choose what to do—a drug called “orange crush” (little known about it working on HD) or do nothing—The doctor left us for a few moments to collect our thoughts—we have decided this: We will take the drug and call all the family tonight to see if they can come mid next week or next weekend for our fast. We will pay for their plane fares! He will need oxygen on a daily basis, Also—we will not alarm the children at this point. We will let them join the fast and prayers when the family comes. I am going to call Linda and Dick and Tulie and Dawn and tell them I will pay for their way if they can come too.

Link to Neal A. Maxwell “Be of Good Cheer”

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=1ca9c5e8b4b6b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

1982-10-15
Much has happened in the past 24 hours. Much sadness, much love, much joy, and much faith. I want to record the incidents of this day in detail. He has gone down hill so fast today. So fast—so fast—so fast. He is breathing almost 90% of the time with oxygen.